Great Explanations: Harry Potter
by AngelaD.Pangie
Summary: Do you want to know what all the fuss is about without actually reading the books? For your conveniance, seven books over seven short chapters to save you the four months straight reading it would take. I give you Great Explanations; Harry Potter!
1. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

Great Explanations

Harry Potter

The Philosopher's Stone

* Once upon a time there was a boy. He had a scar on his face. For obvious reasons, we'll call him Scarboy.

* Scarboy was an orphan. His parents were killed by a Very Bad Man, so bad that only capital letters can express the depths of his badness! We'll call him Evil Bastard. Also for obvious reasons.

* Evil Bastard died when he killed Scarboy's parents.

* Evil Bastard wasn't very happy about this.

* You'd think him being dead would have prevented him being not very happy about this, but you'd be wrong. We'll tell you why later.

* Scarboy had to live with his Aunt, who vaguely resembled a giraffe, his uncle, who vaguely resembled an oversized pudding, and his cousin, who also vaguely resembled an oversized pudding. We'll call them Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two.

* Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two didn't like Scarboy very much. Possibly because he was the most normal one among them, which was ironic because he had a weird-shaped scar and was... Well, we'll go into that later. It's just ironic.

* One day, on Scarboy's birthday, a funny thing happened. He began getting letters.

* These letters were very strange.

* And by strange, I mean odd.

* They came through the chimney.

* So, yes, they were strangely odd.

* Giraffe, Pudding One and Pudding Two were a little scared of the letters, who, by this time, seemed to have a chimney fetish.

* They all left, Scarboy included, and thought the letters wouldn't follow them.

* But they were wrong!

* They went to a creepy, isolated house which none of them liked very much. The Puddings liked them even less, seeing as they couldn't get any pudding there.

* While they were in this house, a man came and knocked on the door.

* Unfortunately, he accidentally made it fall off its hinges. Scarboy's family didn't like him.

* But it was okay, because he put it right back again.

* Scarboy's family still didn't like him.

* Let's call him Giant Hairy Man, or GHM for short.

* GHM was giant. And hairy. And a man. He had been so nice as to bring Scarboy some cake. (Even though he did accidentally sit on it)

* Pudding Two ate Scarboy's cake. GHM wasn't very happy about this and decided to use his magical umbrella to give Pudding Two a pig's tail.

* Really, Pudding Two and his parents should have been glad. Now Pudding Two's outside represented his inside!

* Strangely, Pudding Two's parents _weren't _happy about it. But GHM was giving them mean looks so they decided not to say anything.

* GHM, having now broken down the door, having given Scarboy's cousin a tail and scared Pudding One and Giraffe, decided it was the perfect opportunity to ask Scarboy if he wanted to come away with them to a magical school of magic where you learnt how to give people pig's tails.

* Scarboy looked at GHM. He was still giant and hairy. What went through Scarboy's mund was something like this: _Let me think...A Giant Hairy Man has just broken down the door, given my cousin a tail and asked me if I would like to come with him to a magical castle to learn magic._

* Of course, he did the logical thing and signed up right away.

* GHM took Scarboy to a train station where he had to walk through a wall to go to the school train. Scarboy quite happily did.

* Performing this experiment in similar situations today would be somewhat amusing, although it may leave parents wondering why their small, bespectacled and probably nerdy son now walks into walls on a regular basis.

* On the train Scarboy met two people.

* One of them had red hair and freckles. We shall call him Frecklemonster.

* The other had brown hair and was smart. We shall call her Smartypants.

* Frecklemonster and Smartypants sat with Scarboy on the way to school.

* Where they would learn how to give people tails.

* When they got there, a hat made them go into one of four groups.

* Yes. A hat. Because hats can totally do that.

* They all went to the house which we shall call the Lions. The Lions were supposed to be brave, and were therefore stupid. The other houses were the Snakes, the Hawks and the Badgers. The Snakes were up-themselves, but got to look down on everybody else because of it. The Hawks were supposed to be smart, and therefore were bullied into doing everyone else's homework. The Badgers were stupid as the Lions, only they didn't get anything in return. They were just stupid.

* A bit unfair, if you think about it. But they were stupid, so they never did.

* Smartypants had cheated this system because she was in Lion but still smart. She probably thought she was particularly clever for doing this, but it made the whole school hate her, so it wasn't really that smart.

* Hm, maybe she was dumb after all...

* Before beginning their school year a man with a very long white beard spoke to them all. We shall call him Sweet-tooth, because he liked sweets.

* Which is why he had a long beard. To hide his sweets in.

* But, in hindsight, it would have been better to have a black beard. Candy stains wouldn't show up as much.

* Scarboy and Frecklemonster weren't friends with Smartypants at first. Then a giant monster attacked her, probably hoping to gain a few extra IQ points by eating her. Scarboy defeated him by sticking his wand (they all had wands, by this time) up his nose. Not the most conventional way of defeating a monster, but there you go.

* After seeing Scarboy stick a wooden stick up a monster's nose, Frecklemonster and Smartypants decided that they'd all be friends. Scarboy was too busy trying to get his wand out of a giant nostril at that time, but later on he decided to be friends as well.

* They all went and saw GHM. Frecklemonster and Smartypants decided that they liked him too. Even if he was giant and hairy.

* And had a dog who drooled on you.

* After almost a year of getting into as much trouble as they possibly could in as short a time as possible, they went to find the Philosopher's Stone.

* The Philosopher's Stone was a rock which made you live forever.

* Evil Bastard wanted the rock.

* Yes, we thought he was dead. To Scarboy's dismay, we were wrong.

* Evil Bastard wanted the rock so he could live forever, ruling the world, and perfecting his evil laugh, which was number one on his to-do list, but had kept neglecting to do it.

* Being killed tends to put a stop to checking off you to-do list.

* Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants worked together to defeat Evil Bastard and stopping him from getting the rock by using their combined powers of scars, freckles, and pants. (Smart came into it somewhere, too)

* They also now all knew how to give people pig's tails.

* Scarboy fainted while they were doing this because he couldn't take the pressure.

* When Scarboy came to, he and Sweet-tooth had the following conversation.

Scarface: ...waking up What...Where am I? Hey, there's a huge pile of sweets at the end of my bed! Cooll!

Sweet-tooth: Entering the room Hello, Scarboy, I just wanted to congratulate you on...(sees sweets) MINE! Mmmmm...(chompchompchomp) sweets. So very...

Scarboy: Sweet? (does a double take) Wait! They're mine!

Sweet-tooth: Not any more. (chompchompchomp) By the way, I decided to destroy the rock you and your friends almost died trying to get.

Scarboy: WHAT! You come in here, eat all my candy (candy is now is Sweet-tooth's stomach) and tell me you DESTROYED MY AWESOME ROCK WHICH I FOUGHT SO HARD TO WIN!

Sweet-tooth: ...I think I accidentally ate the tray too.

Scarboy: (Hides under pillow and refuses to ever talk to Sweet-tooth until next year)

* Scarboy goes back home to Pudding One, Giraffe and Pudding Two, who are all miserable to see him.

* Pudding Two doesn't have a pig tail any more.


	2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its fictional characters or locations.

Great Explanations

Harry Potter

The Chamber of Secrets

* Once upon time there was a Boy with a Scar. For reasons filled with such complexity that you will never understand the reasoning, we'll call him Scarboy.

* Scarboy lived with his Aunt, Uncle and Cousin.

* His Aunt looked like a Giraffe, and so we will call her Giraffe.

* His Uncle looked like a giant pudding, so we will call him Pudding Number One.

* His cousin also looked like a pudding, but a smaller one, so we'll call him Pudding Number Two.

* Giraffe and the Puddings didn't like Scarboy.

* Scarboy didn't particularly like them either.

* One day Pudding Number One invited a Very Important Man and his wife to dinner.

* Very Important Man (or, as we will now call him, VIM) was invited because Pudding Number One wanted a promotion.

* Because promotions give you money.

* Money= more pudding!

* And Pudding Number One liked pudding.

* So this was a big deal. The whole family was prepared to be very polite and well-mannered.

* So they were being complete two-faced bastards to get more pudding.

* But Scarboy was an annoyingly honest boy, so they decided that he would stay in his bedroom all night and not make a noise.

* So they would get more pudding.

* So, at the beginning of the night, they sent Scarboy up to his room.

* Once there, Scarboy got a very big shock.

* There was a thing sitting on his bed.

* It was short and thin, wearing a pillow case, with big green eyes.

* He was a House Elf, so we'll call him... House Elf.

* There were a few things about House Elf that Scarboy didn't like.

* You see, Scarboy went to this magical boarding school.

* Where they learned to give people pigs tails.

* Scarboy liked the magical school.

* But House Elf didn't want Scarboy going back because he said Scarboy would die there. This was one of the things Scarboy didn't like about House Elf.

* Scarboy still wanted to go.

* House Elf over reacted a bit and dropped a large pudding on VIM and his wife before disappearing. This was another of the things Scarboy didn't like about House Elf.

* No-one was very happy about this.

* Pudding One even less happy because he had wanted to eat that pudding.

* They all blamed Scarboy and put bars on his windows and wouldn't let him out of his room, except for toilet breaks.

* Scarboy had two friends, Frecklemonster and Smartypants, who were getting worried because Scarboy wasn't replying to any of their letters. Stalking wasn't working, so he had to try another trick.

* Frecklemonster over reacted like House Elf had.

* Frecklemonster reacted by stealing his dad's flying car, flying to Scarboy's house, breaking into Scarboy's house, kidnapping Scarboy and accidentally pulling Pudding One out of the window.

* Even though, had anyone caught them, Frecklemonster would have had a criminal record by this time, Scarboy and Frecklemonster were fairly happy with themselves. They arrived at Frecklemonster's house.

* Frecklemonster's mum shouted at him for a bit, welcomed Scarboy, and gave them breakfast.

* Scarboy was happy about this.

* Scarboy was happy at Frecklemonster's house. All of Frecklemonster's family were fairly nice.

* There was a Frecklemonster mummy, a Frecklemonster daddy, about a bazillion Frecklemonster children (who we shall call Frecklemonsteretts) and, of course, Frecklemonster.

* The time for school came. Scarboy, Frecklemonster an the Frecklemonsteretts all went to the place they would catch the train to.

* To get to the train, you had to walk through a wall.

* It was another of those things you learned at the school.

* Ye

s, at the same one you learned to give people pig's tails.

* All the Frecklemonsteretts went through one by one.

* There were a lot of them, so while the various Frecklemonsteretts were going through the wall Frecklemonster and Scarboy went and checked out the nearest cafe, wandered around the city, looked at the various sites and threw stones at some random ducks who they thought looked funny.

* When they got back the last of the Frecklemonsteretts had finished going through. They were a little pressed for time so they ran at the wall.

* And crashed into the wall.

* Apparently, while they had been learning about walking through walls, Scarboy had been daydreaming about having a life-threatening adventure.

* Or actually having a life-threatening adventure.

* He had a lot of those.

* So Frecklemonster ad Scarboy sat around and moped for a bit, pondering the meaning of life... And the problem at hand...

* Being school boys, they thought and came across the most immediate solution to their problem.

* Which, being thought up by teenage boys, happened to be Grand Theft Auto.

* You see, the flying car was still parked outside.

* So they drove the flying car to school.

* Because they were cool that way.

* When they got there, the flying car finally seemed to realise that it had been stolen and decided not to work any more.

* The car was being a little stupid here because, having decided not to work, it promptly crashed into a tree.

* The tree tried to eat the car.

* The tree couldn't actually eat them, being more or less completely berefit of all the essential eating materials, but it tried.

* Eventually they managed to get out of the tree.

* The car was, by this time, thoroughly fed up, and decided that, screw everybody else, it was going to be a hippy car and live in the middle of the forest.

* It kicked out Frecklemonster and Scarboy and drove off.

* And so began Frecklemonster and Scarboy's school year.

* They got shouted at a bit.

* And then shouted at some more.

* And then some more the next day.

* But they were alive, so they counted their blessings.

* After a while normal school got boring, so someone decided to shake things up a bit by almost killing a few randoms who shall never be mentioned again, so they don't really deserve names.

* They weren't really killed. Just almost.

* Instead they were frozen.

* Like they'd been left in the freezer.

* Because the story wouldn't be any fun without some teenage angst, everyone blamed Scarboy.

* Scarboy, Frecklemonster and their other friend Smartypants had to go stop whoever was freezing everyone.

* The headmaster of the school, a long-bearded man who we like to call Sweet Tooth, helped a bit.

* His and Scarboy's first meeting went like this:

Scarboy: (not looking at who he bumped into) Sorry, I just- (sees Sweet Tooth) NO, I am not talking to you.

Sweet Tooth: Oh, come on, just because I ate some of your sweets.

Scarboy: (Silence)

Sweet Tooth: You can't just ignore me for ever.

Scarboy: (More silence)

Sweet Tooth: It was last year. Get over it!

Scarboy: (Even more silence)

Sweet Tooth: YOU'VE ALREADY SPOKEN TO ME BY TELLING ME YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO ME!

Scarboy: ...SHUT UP!

Sweet Tooth: AHAHA, YOU DID IT AGAIN!

And so it went on like this for a while before they were friends again.

* They figured out it was Evil Bastard because Scarboy found him with a long, complcated series of events which we shall now summarise:

* At first everyone thought it was GHM (Giant Hairy Man).

* The students actually still thought Scarboy did it, but everyone who mattered thought it was GHM.

* GHM got taken away but the murders kept going, so that piece of genius deduction was obviously wrong.

* Scarboy was always found with the frozen people, because he's just really unlucky that way.

* They kept trying to find out who it was but nothing worked.

* Eventually Smartypants used her Smartypants powers to figure it out.

* Unfortunately she was, at that time frozen too...But she still managed to tell Scarboy and Frecklemonster by tearing out a page of library book with the information needed and writing on it.

* Which meant that, in normal circumstances, she would have been fined.

* The paper told of a big snake thing called a 'Basilisk' which froze people by looking at them. Which explained a lot.

* Smartypants had written 'pipes' onto the paper, so that explained a lot more, like how the snake got around.

* Unfortunately, they had no idea where the pipes were before remembering having coincidentally encountering a depressed teenage ghost earlier in the year in the girls toilets which they shouldn't have been in because Scarboy and Frecklemonster were both boys, not girls, when they were brewing illegal super-advanced magic which most adult wizards would never be able to make and yet a particularly smart second-year high school girl could, because she was just awesome in that way.

* After going into the girl's bathroom and finding a convenient lock which could only be opened by an incredibly rare power to talk to snakes which Scarboy happened to have, Scarboy, Frecklemonster and a pretty-boy teacher, who we'll call Pretty-boy, went into a very dangerous lair containing an ancient snake which could kill them all. They did this without alerting their teachers, who happened to be far more powerful than Pretty-Boy, who could probably kill the evil snake in approximately 2.5374 seconds.

* Pretty-Boy then turned on Scarboy and Frecklemonster, gushed about how pretty he was before blowing his mind with Frecklemonster's wand. Which also separated Frecklemonster from Scarboy by causing the ceiling to collapse, because it's always fun to damage someone else's property.

* So Scarboy had to go face an ancient monster which could kill him with a look all alone. At twelve.

* You know what, he's not even a teenager yet! It can't even count as teenage angst! It's freaking child abuse!

* Scarboy eventually found Evil Bastard again, who had been pretending to be a good guy who happened to spend a lot of time inside old diaries.

* Frecklemonster's little sister, one of the Frecklemonsteretts, was also there, but she was busy being drained of her life force and being helpless to help out.

* Lazy.

* Frecklemonster then took on Evil Bastard and a giant snake with the help of an old hat and shiny sword sent to him by Sweet Tooth who was somehow able to send him the hat and sword but not come himself.

* Lazy. Oh, who cares that he was being pursued by the magical police force, they're so lazy a bunch of fifteen-year olds could probably break into their most secure facility. Ahaha.

* Ha.

* After an epic battle involving the shiny sword, a lot of running, notebooks and big teeth Scarboy managed to beat Evil Bastard and the Evil Snake and even got to live because the Evil Snake's incurable venom was cured by the barely-mentioned healing powers of Phoenix tears.

* And thus after a school-wide party about the murder of an endangered species GHM got his job back and Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants got to go home after GHM told Scarboy to threaten his relatives into obedience with illegal magic.

* After all, it worked for him.


	3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Great Explanations**

**Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban **

* Once there was a boy called Scarboy. He was called this because he was a boy with a scar.

* This seems like a given, but considering that you are reading what is essentially the Idiot's Guide to Stories, I don't exactly have great confidence in your mental prowess.

* By the way, 'prowess' means competency.

* One day Scarboy was with his family, which consisted of two vaguely pudding-like beings (a father, Pudding One, and his son, Pudding Two) and a woman who looked like a giraffe. We'll call her Giraffe.

(Hint: that's because she looks like a giraffe.)

* This family had taken in Scarboy when he was small and abandoned, even though they hated him, which made him still small but no longer abandoned. The fact that these two facts didn't really go together was a fact completely overlooked by everyone.

* The family had been scared of Scarboy due to the fact that he had gone to a magic school where they taught you how to give people pigs' tails. They didn't know it was illegal, and Scarboy was perfectly happy to keep them in ignorance of that fact.

* One day, Aunt Pudding came to visit. I'm not going to explain her name because I don't want to overload you with too much information at once.

* She hated Scarboy.

* He hated her back.

* In a completely rationale and thought-out leap of logic, Scarboy blew her up.

* Not with a bomb. Like she's a balloon.

* Not with his mouth. That would just be weird.

* Not with his wand I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, PERVERTS!

* Scarboy then ran away due to the fact that blowing up innocent Puddings is an illegal act, and he doesn't want to get caught.

* Because prison is not cool, man, not cool.

* He finds that not only is he technically a fugitive (he's like Ned Kelly but the English version! So Ned Kelly with a cup of tea!), a a highly dangerous man who can turn into a Very Scary Dog (in capitals, that's how scary it was) is free from prison, and probably trying to kill him.

* Scarboy sure can pick his timing.

* Fortunately, the magical government are willing to forgive him even though he's Ned Kelly with a cup of tea. Aren't they nice?

* Scarboy meets up with his friends Smartypants and Frecklemonster. They all go to magic school together.

* They don't mind the fact that he's Ned Kelly with tea. It makes him badass.

* There are giant flying bat things which suck people's souls out of their mouths. (yes, with their mouths. And, yes, it's weird.) They have the nasty habit of trying to do this to Scarboy due to the fact that he is full of delicious teenage angst the like of which not even sparkly vampires could match.

* Scarboy learned to stop this by learning an extremely complicated and difficult adult-only spell from a teacher who we'll call Rawr. He rudely ignored the fact that this should be physically impossible, because he's just that badass.

* And Ned Kelly.

* With tea.

* At the same time, Scarboy isn't allowed to go to a magical village filled with all sorts of awesome sweets. He promptly ignores all safety rules, the fact that giant flying bat-things are trying to suck his soul out of his mouth (with their mouths –eeeeew!) and that there is, quite possibly, a Very Scary Dogman trying to kill him and sneaks there.

* This is also quite possibly due to the fact that he is just _that_ badass.

* They didn't even sell tea, so Scarboy/Ned Kelly had to take some in a flask.

* In this magical village, Scarboy listens in on a conversation about the Very Scary Dogman and finds out that he's his godfather.

* Scarboy chucks a hissy and decides he hates the Very Scary Dogman. Considering that the Very Scary Dogman also supposedly helped kill his parents, this is quite understandable.

* Meanwhile, Smartypants has been making her pants even smarter (and possibly her brain, too) by taking more classes than humanly possible. She does this with a little time-rewinding thing which students aren't technically allowed to have.

* But WHY does the school and government ignore this breach of protocol? Because they really don't care when teenagers break the rules! Why?

* Because they're training them to all be Ned Kellys with tea.

* Why?

* Because they're cool like that.

* Or maybe they felt they should at least have one really smart person in the whole school.

* Badass.

* (Do you really blame Scarboy for the way he turned out?)

* Giant Hairy Man becomes a teacher during this time, and gets a bunch of bloodthirsty chickens to teach his class about.

* Not because he's a badass. He's just… Well… Not very bright.

* He gets sued when the bloodthirsty chickens scratch up one of the students (it was one not many people liked, but this fact was ignored) and the bloodthirsty chicken in question must **DIE.**

* Yeah, we put it in capitals. _That's_ how upset GHM got.

* At around this time, Scarboy found out that the Very Scary Dogman was, in fact, a good dog –I mean man. And it was actually Frecklemonster's pet rat who had helped kill Scarboy's parents.

* Not while he was a rat. He was actually a person. We'll call him Rat, though, because, between you and me, he kind of looked and acted like one anyway.

* Rawr, Scarboy's teacher, was also a werewolf who had known Scarboy's parents. He and Not-So-Scary Dogman were friends. Unfortunately, they have to get him out of the magic school as the giant bat-thing want to suck out his soul too.

* (With their mouths –_eeeeeeeeeeeeeew_!)

* They use Smartypants' time-turner-backerer to turn back time and rescue both the bloodthirsty chicken and the Not-So-Scary Dogman.

* In the end, everyone is more or less happy, and Scarboy ends up going back home to the family which now really hates him. But it's okay…

* …Because Scarboy is _just that badass_.

* And Ned Kelly.

* With tea.

Sweet Tooth: I am still here! You know, school principle… Just… Hanging out here…

Scarboy: yes, but you're not important or badass enough.

Sweet Tooth: You're still annoyed I ate your sweets, aren't you?

Scarboy: (Short silence.) Yes.


	4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Great Explanations**

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

(50 years ago)

(Yes, this was before Scarboy was invented)

* Evil Bastard was having a particularly bad day one day. Muggles were just annoying him. The wizard world wasn't bowing to his mighty rule. So he decided to let off some steam.

* He did this by finding some long-lost family members.

*And then brutally murdering them.

* With a large snake.

* Yeah. He was REALLY stressed.

* Some random old guy saw Evil Bastard talking with his minion, Rat. Remember him? He's the one who looks… Well, like a rat.

* Evil Bastard killed the random old guy. We think he may have been on something illegal at the time. I mean, it's not exactly a normal reaction, is it? "Oh, hello… Didn't see you there-" "DIE!"

(Present day, when the most important person in the series had been invented and subsequently tortured by various people in various ways for a few years)

* Scarboy wakes up, his scar twinging a bit. He writes a long, heart-felt letter to Not-So-Scary Dogman, who continuously wishes he was a little scarier due to the fact that Scarboy will not _leave him alone_. He went to the other side of the world, what more does the boy want, a rejection letter?

* Oblivious to Dogman's exasperation, Scarboy is quickly cheered up when Frecklemonster's family invites him to see a game where people fly at each other on little sticks and pointlessly throw balls around, and occasionally at each other. You can tell it was a sport invented by men.

(Brief Author's Note: If you were offended by the previous sentence, please don't be alarmed. It means you got the joke.)

* Before going, the two Puddings and Giraffe all chuck hissies due to the Frecklemonster family using their fireplace as a doorway. For some reason, it's written like this is a strange thing. What? You DON'T use your fireplaces to get in and out of places? What, wasn't Santa Claus inspiring enough for you?

* On their way to the overly violent game, Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants (yes, she's there too. They didn't have enough IQ points to figure out the way themselves so she got to tag along.) meet Pretty Boy. He's everything Scarboy is but pretty as well. For some reason, Scarboy doesn't hate him, and neither does the fanbase. They're too busy drooling over him because he's pretty. And they don't have to feel guilty over fantasies involving sparkly vampires who angst a lot.

* After the game, a bunch of Evil Bastard's minions show up and trash the place because they were late for the match and feel annoyed about that. Again, logical reaction. "Hey, we're here for the Quidditch match." "...Dude, that was over hours ago-" "DIE!"

* There's a whole lot of details which go on, including some guys from the government accusing Scarboy and his friends of graffitying on the sky (damn hooligans), and a skull no less (damn Goth hooligans), but eventually it's cleared up and they get to go to magic school where you learn how to graffiti random symbols on the sky... AND GET AWAY WITH IT. (They should have waited, then they wouldn't have even been accused).

* There's a new teacher who's a few sandwiches short of a picnic basket called Mad-Eye Moody.

(Author's Note: Pangie did not feel the need to change the above characters name because... Well, it already looks like some random made it up. Probably because some random kind of did. While making millions.)

* Sweet Tooth (Scarboy forgot about the sweets incident, due to more important events happening) announced that a very deadly competition was going on and a few other schools were coming to enter as well so they could all try not to be killed together in the spirit of unifying them. Scarboy is sad because he can't enter.

* Mad-Eye turned an evil blonde (male) who we shall now refer to as Blondie into a ferret. The readers LOLed.

* The other schools arrived, one full of manly men and the other full of flirty women (think gangstas and ballet dancers and you'll get a good idea) and a cup which spewed fire decided who would participate.

* BLEUGH! A player of Quidditch with many fangirls was selected. We shall call him the Krum-Mister.

* PROJECTILE VOMIT BLEUGH! A French girl with lots of fanboys was selected. We shall call her Froggy.

(Author's note: again, if you get offended, you've got it.)

* SUPER PROJECTILE VOMIT BLEUGH! Pretty Boy was picked too. All the girls went sigh. (Is it just me or does the cup seem like it's picking out its personal beauty pageant?)

* The cup was sick, probably because of all the sparkly vampire fantasies which began running rampant, and went BLEUGH! Harry Potter, probably because everyone in that school stalks him. He's freaking famous, wouldn't you?

* Frecklemonster gets grumpy and they fight a bit but eventually get along again.

* GHM (thought I'd forgotten him? Nah, he's to giant... and hairy) and Mad-Eye help Scarboy with his first test, who in turn helps Pretty Boy.

* There's a random ball for no reason that Scarboy ends up acting like a twit in. All the other contestants dressing up makes the fan boys and girls do rude things in the crowd.

* The second part of the deadly game (no, none of the contestants were eaten by dragons the first time.) is to go underwater and rescue a loved one before they drown. It's okay, Sweet Tooth could have saved them if they failed. He's just awesome that way. If he wasn't too busy scoffing sweets, that is.

* The last part of the game is a maze. Scarboy manages to find his way through at the same time as Pretty Boy and, after almost dying several times, they both get to the end. Out of good will, Scarboy makes it so they both touch it. This backfires when they're both taken to another place.

* Evil Bastard: "Hey, Scarboy. Miss me?"

* Scarboy: "...What?"

* Evil Bastard: "I engineered this whole thing."

* Rat: "I helped!"

* Evil Bastard: "Shut up, Rat."

* Scarboy: "...So you made the cup vomit my name?"

* Evil Bastard: "Yes, yes I did."

* Scarboy: "And what about the way everyone in that competition was ridiculously good-looking? I think they have a name for weird attraction to young people. Oh, and what about Pretty Boy? What, do you have a sparkly vampire fetish or something"

* Pretty Boy: "I swear, if ONE MORE PERSON asks me to role-play with them in while glitter... Please, god, tell me that this isn't why I'm here? Honestly, I'd rather you just killed me."

* Evil Bastard: "... Well... I was kind of going to anyway... Never mind, Rat?"

* Rat: (kills him)

* Pretty Boy: (dead)

* Scarboy: "...Well... That show of kindness backfired."

* Backfired it did. Scarboy and Evil Bastard battled it out with their magic sticks. A bunch of Masked Minions showed up (hereby referred to the as MM) and cheered him on. Scarboy's dead parents showed up for a bit.

* Dead Scarboy Parents: "WE BELIEVE IN YOU!"

* Scarboy: "Okay, great start, how about you actually help me not die?"

* They did, he didn't, and Evil Bastard was considerably annoyed while Scarboy escaped back to magic school. Mad-Eye turned out to be someone else who was leading him on (but awesomely) but Sweet Tooth and some others stepped in to stop him. Sweet Tooth explains that Scarboy's and Evil Bastard's wands have some weird repellent/attraction thing going on. He tells the whole school that Evil Bastard is back. They think he's crackers for it. Scarboy goes home happy(ish).

* Meanwhile, Evil Bastard answers the questions about his sexuality that Scarboy raised about his question about fetishes and role-play by watching a few modern movies of a certain novel that became popular recently and is renowned for ruining a certain supernatural creature for everyone by making them young, sparkling and angsty. He got halfway through the first one and vowed to kill everyone on the cast. His minions managed to talk him out of it, probably because they were the ones who had requested that Pretty Boy be selected in the first place. There were no questions about _their_ sexuality.


	5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoeni

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

**Great Explanations**

**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**

* Scarboy was living with Pudding One, Pudding Two and the scary Giraffe Lady one summer.

* One day, probably because they suddenly had a massive Pudding craving, giant flying bat-things decided to eat Pudding Two.

* Yes, these are the ones who eat people by kissing them -EEEEW!

* They were very skinny, which was probably why they wanted Pudding.

* Scarboy saved Pudding with his magic wand (they do more than learn to give people pig's tails at magic school after all!) and was promptly blamed for Pudding Two's trauma at almost being eaten.

* As the rest of the world does when something goes wrong around Scarboy. Immediately blames him. Your know, the bit which cares in any case.

* While awaiting his trial for using magic, Scarboy goes to a house full of his friends and loved ones.

* He shouts at them and sulks because they made him go back to Girraffe and the Puddings.

* When he's finished angsting, they all get along (Frecklemonster and his family, and Smartypants are there too)

* They are all part of something called the Order of the Phoenix. This is a group of people dedicated to bitching about the government.

* So they're like that creepy group of old ladies your grandma is a part of that always moan about 'kids these days', except kind of flipped, so it's more like 'governments these days'. Bet it sounds less cool now, doesn't it?

* Sweet-Tooth rocks up at Scarboy's trial, and this is what happens:

Before he came:

Everyone: SCARBOY IS GUILTY!

Scarboy: Wait, what?

After Sweet-Tooth speaks to them:

Sweet-tooth: SCARBOY IS INNOCENT!

Everyone: Okay.

Scarboy: Wait... What?

* At the school, there is a short fat lady who wears a pink cardigan, what we normal people refer to as a jumper. We'll call her Pinky. She's like that Aunt who you hid from when you were four and wished you could hide from when you were fourteen.

* Like usual, everyone is spreading rumours about Scarboy. Why this is such an event in the novel is questionable, because it pretty much happens in every high school.

* Pinky rises in power while Scarboy, Smartypants and Frecklemonster begin training a group of students to make her a different colour if she annoys them. Take that, Pinky! And also to defend themselves, but that's beside the point.

* Scarboy wants to ask Dogman for help but can't because Pinky is looking at all their letters.

Scaroby: But who am I going to whinge to now?

Dogman: FINALLY!

* Scarboy's little group of rebels are almost caught and he is punished by Pinky. Sweet-tooth uses this as an excuse to own her and her minions completely and also to take a much-needed break...

Sweet-tooth: LOLZ! SUCKS TO BE YOU, PINKY! I'M GONNA BREAK OUT OF THIS HOLE!

Pinky: (unconscious)

...

(wakes up) What...?

* Unfortunately this means she takes control.

Pinky: Woo-hoo!

Scarboy:... Damn it.

Sweet-tooth: (in Jamaica, drinking something illegal) Don't care.

* Scarboy has a series of nightmares about the government. The logical conclusion to this is that he finally decides to check out what's happening there, sneaking into a highly secret governmental section. The fact that he is a freaking teenager and that is the most high-security section of the government is conveniently glossed over.

* He escapes Pinky by tricking her into being carried of by centaurs, who do horrible things to her and leave her a mental mess. Good job, Scarboy.

Scarboy: Yay, no more Pinky!

Pinky: (mumble mumble eye twitch mumble)

* But, wait for it... IT'S A TRAP!

Scarboy: It should be just around here...

Evil Bastard: Hi, guys.

Scarboy: Hi, Evil Bastard -%&*!

* Dogman and the Order show up to haul Scarboy's teenage butt out of there.

* Dogman is having an awesome battle, just thinking how cool it is to finally do something other than listen to a teenage boy angst, when, sadly...

Evil Bastard's Minion: Die!

Dogman: (Dying) Bleagh.

* Yes, that was the sound he made.

* Sweet-tooth comes back and reveals something that Harry finds useful to know.

Sweet-tooth: I'm back.

Scarboy: How was Jamaica?

Sweeth-tooth: Illegal. But so good... *clears throat* Not that I'm advocating that. No, not at all. But, seriously, go there, they have these drinks-

Scarboy: You said you had something to tell me?

Sweeth-tooth: Hm? Oh, yes... The reason you defeated Evil Bastard before was because of your ability to love.

Audience in general: NAAAAAWS.

Scarboy:... You've got to be ****ing kidding me. Couldn't I be able to kick his ass like a magical Jackie Chan instead?

Sweet-tooth: No, no you wouldn't. Now go drink something illegal.

* Scarboy goes back to the Puddings and Girrafe, wishing he was in Jamaica. Drinking something illegal.

Pinky: (eye twitch) No more horsies.


	6. Harry Potter and the HalfBlood Prince

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated fictional characters or locations.

Great Explanations

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

* One day in the wizarding world, Evil Bastard took over. A lot of people kind of knew that he had taken over, because it was sort of blindingly obvious.

Magical Government receptionist: (answers phone) Hello, this is the Ministry of Magic. How may I help you?

Evil Bastard: Just wanted to drop you a notice; I'm going to kill all those who resist me when I take over. Thought we'd just be clear on that.

Receptionist: (hangs up) What a quirky man.

* Despite this, the entire population seemed to have a case of no-balls-itis, so they all sort of pretended nothing had happened.

* During Scarboy's schooling years, he had a friend who we'll call Snakeboy.

* That was sarcasm. They hate each other with all the passion of magical teenagers!

* He also had a teacher who we'll call Slimy. He and Scarboy were best friends, so much so that if they were girls they'd paint each other's nails and comment about boys.

* That was also sarcasm.

* Snakeboy's mother was worried about her son so she asked Slimy for help. He made a promise he had to keep. No, seriously, he would probably die if he broke it, probably in some weird magical way, with snake coming out of his liver or something like that. He promised to look after Snakeboy.

* Sweet Tooth visits his good friend Giraffe (not really) and takes Scarboy away from them early.

Scarboy: Yay! No more Puddingses!

* He does this so he can use him to convince a teacher we'll call Sluggy to come back and teach.

Scarboy:...Yay?

* He meets up with his two friends, finds his enemy Snakeboy, stalks said enemy, makes allegations about said enemy, all before magic school even starts.

* He's just that talented.

* Once school starts, two things happen. He begins using notes from a dodgy old schoolbook he finds.

* Lesson: because, when you finds random recipes, kids, of course you should use them.

* The second is that he and Sweet Tooth begin looking for the bits of Evil Bastard's soul which are the reason for the whole alive-but-should-be-dead-a-million-times-over thing.

Scarboy: It sounds like his soul gets around.

Sweet Tooth: Oh, you went there!

Scarboy: What, I don't... Oh. OH. No, I didn't mean that!

* They also find that Evil Bastard had a sad upbringing, which is why he's so evil.

* Lesson: When someone is trying to dominate the world to make themselves live longer, it's obviously society's fault.

* Frecklemonster gets a girlfriend who's really not important, just a bit annoying, as Smartypants begins getting the hots for him. Great plan, go with the annoying one just when the one who could potentially save you when you're in trouble (a lot) begins liking you.

* Scarboy also gets the hots for Fecklemonster's sister. Can anyone say, awkward?

* Eventually Sweet Tooth and Scarboy manage to track down where one of the sections of Evil bastard's soul has been hidden away and steal it.

* Unfortunately, Sweet Tooth is made so weak by this that he can't even eat sweets. HE CAN'T EVEN EAT SWEETS.

Scarboy: Sucks to be you.

* They go back to magic school, where they find that Snakeboy's been busy on the whole trying-to-kill-Sweet-Tooth thing. But he can't do it, because he too has an unfortunate case of no-balls-itis. It seems to be a recurring factor in magical communities.

* Slimy does it instead. Yeah, Scarboy isn't too happy. He chases after him threatening to kill him, actually.

* Lesson: a friend in need (you know, when they're having trouble getting over those pesky morals so they can kill the equivalent of a magical ninja) is a friend indeed (so you should do it instead).

* A very moral book, this one. Very instructive.

* Just to rub salt in the wound for Scarboy, the book he's been cheating from was originally written by Slimy.

* Probably for the above reasons, Scarboy decides to go chase down the bits of Evil Bastard's soul, and Frecklemonster and Smartypants decide to come with. They decide not to go to school the next year, probably because there are a lot of bits of Evil Bastard's soul to hunt down.

* After all, it's been around.


	7. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its associated characters or locations.

**Great Explanations**

**Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows**

* Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, for the last round of the magical battle between our two greatest competitors.

* In the blue corner, we have Scarboy, with the funny-looking scar, nerdy glasses and overall air of the-world-hates-me.

Scarboy: The world does hate me. Seriously, everything which isn't killing me is too scared of the things trying to kill me that they just let them try to kill me without even trying to stop them. Because it's not like I'm only seventeen and might have a bit of trouble fending off a bazillion super-wizards, one of which is pretty much a demi god at this point. Yes, just abandon me, like everyone else-

* And in the blue corner, we have our other competitor-

Scarboy: WASN'T DONE RANTING. First of all, orphaned at infanthood. Then, raised in what I think we can all call the worlds s***est family. Then thrown into the wizarding world -okay, I'll admit, a cool moment. Give it a few more years and several attempts have been made on my life and nobody can decide whether they should be my fanboys and fangirls or shun me like the nonbeliever. THE WORLD DESPISES ME WITH ALL ITS MIGHT!

* As I was saying, in the other corner we have Evil Bastard.

Evil Bastard: I want to kill you all. And then make you my slaves. No, that wasn't in the wrong order. I'm going to kill you, make you my slaves by raising you from the dead, completely humiliate you until I get bored and then kill you again. Quite possibly with a magical bazooka. And I'm starting with Sweet Tooth.

Sweet Tooth: Yay, a cameo! (returns to being dead)

* The stakes are as follows: Evil Bastard pretty much rules the magical world, which is approximately eight hundred years behind the rest of it in the way that it still doesn't extend beyond Europe (now I know why that Hogwarts letter didn't come when I was younger –the owl couldn't stand the Aussie heat!). Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants are skulking about random forests trying to destroy the bits of Evil Bastard's soul that are lurking around places.

* Because Evil Bastard likes to put the most intimate parts of himself into all sorts of random places. Necklaces. Cups. Even a snake!

* Nobody is quite sure how Evil Bastard inserted such an intimate part of himself into inanimate objects, neither does anyone want to. It would possibly give you nightmares.

Evil Bastard: Yeah... I had issues that year... Decade... Lifetime. Well, you know what? **** you, I control the world, that's what! I can stick bits of myself anywhere!

* So Frecklemonster and Smartypants have to leave their families as well as friends behind (Scarboy doesn't count -none of his can decide whether they like him or not). This is especially heart-rending for Smartypants, who wipes her parents memories -leaving some potentially awkward situations with the family friends who presumably would ask about the daughter.

Anonymous Smartypants Family Friend: Hey, how are you guys? How's Smartypants?

Parents: Who?

* The first bit of Evil Bastard's soul is a necklace.

* Who bets he was feeling a little metro that year?

* The locket makes Frecklemonster feel metro as well. This makes him uncertain about his sexuality and therefore grumpy, so he leaves the other two to rediscover himself.

* A random forest animal leads Scarboy to a sword which can destroy Evil Bastard's most intimate parts. Because that's what you do when you see shiny forest animals. You stalk them and hope for magic. If they don't give you magic, you eat them. Win-win situation!

* Scarboy is almost killed by the necklace, which somehow manages to nearly drown him (that's what necklaces can do. You are warned) when he is saved. Frecklemonster, after going into numerous gay bars and nightclubs, has rediscovered his heterosexuality in time to watch... A magic-induced hallucination of naked Scarboy and Smartypants make out... Great timing. But he saves the day by saying,

Frecklemonster: Smartypants loves me, she wouldn't do that! I know because she shouts at me to show her love!

* They follow a strange symbol to the Weird Guy In The House, who promptly betrays them after helping them.

Scarboy: Can't trust anyone, the world hates me. Can't trust anyone the world hates me. Can't trust anyone, the world hates me.

* Evil Bastard is actually looking for a big super-magic wand. Because it's not like he's already enough of a magical ninja already.

* Scarboy, Frecklemonster and Smartypants try to rescue a few friends who have been captured by Evil Bastard's Minions and end up failing. Dramatically. As in, they get captured. But Scarboy calls on his friendly House Elf to get them out, managing to nick a cup with Evil Bastard's most intimate parts.

Scarboy: Gee, thanks House Elf!

House Elf: At least… I had… A cameo… (dies)

Scarboy:... House Elf?

* They find out that the last most intimate part of Evil Bastard, excepting the snake and the man himself, is in the magic school. So they manage to sneak in and destroy them all in a huge magical fire explosion thing.

* It's epic.

* Evil Bastard attacks the school. Fortunately, at this time, everyone decided to be on Scarboy's side. There is a huge battle.

* Also epic.

* Several people die. Wolfman and his wife, Little Miss Discontent-With-Her-Own-Appearance-And-Consequently-Makes-Hair-Dye-Manufacturers-Very-Rich, one of Frecklemonster's many siblings (the fact that there are many others doesn't seem to console anybody) and the teacher nobody liked but should have because he was awesome. He also sent the sparkly animal in the forest.

* So what does Scarboy decide to do? He decides to go hand himself over. Or kill Evil Bastard. One or the other.

* Evil Bastard sort-of kills him, sending Scarboy into a hippy-like trance in which he has a chat with Sweet Tooth before remembering that he kind of has a world to save and goes back.

Evil Bastard: HA! Finally, he's dead and I can rule the world!

Scarboy: Trolling you. (kills Evil Bastard)

19 years later...

* Scarboy got hitched with Frecklemonster's sister and have a couple of kids running around.

* Frecklemonster and Smartypants also get hitched and squeeze out a couple of rugrats.

* They send them all to the same school they went to. Because it turned out great for them the first time around. You know, the multiple attempts on their lives, the whole world-hating-you thing...

* So Frecklemonster became Smartypants' full-time bitch, Scarboy had no more attempts on his life and people treated them all like normal people. No Evil Bastards, aside from the normal ones, had troubled them for the last 19 years.

* All was well.

**Author's Note:**

**Hi, guys. We've finally come to the end of this Great Explanations. I hope you've all enjoyed them. Keep an eye on my profile page because I'll bring out another 'Great Explanations' every now and then. In fact, keep an eye on my homepage: I'll post on there about the many books I keep trying to get published and tell you if I manage to get an agent. Not only that, but you can follow me on Twitter by searching for AngelaDonlan, where I post up everything I do writing-related as well as some very helpful life lessons and even updates on my acting career. Yes, I'm calling it that. I'm an optimist, alright!**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. They always help instruct and encourage (slowly. Like, snails are Ferraris compared to my writing career slow) emerging writers. **

**Peace and love to all of you,**

**Angela.D**


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